More Christmas Shopping...

I just ordered Bruno's Christmas gifts! As per my usual ways the gifts are more practical than fun, but I'm anticipating their arrival none the less.
The truly practical purchase is in the form a more suitable crate for the delightful boy. He's outgrown the 30" W x 48" L x 32" H crate we bought when he was still a pup. I had hoped by now (at 15 months old) he could casually hang out in and roam the house during work hours, but he's still too full of puppy mischief for us to allow that kind of freedom. So, Merry Christmas, Bruno! A new 37" W x 54" L x 45" H crate is all yours, with love from Santa.

Look how tiny my baby boy was just 12 months ago!

And look at him now! WOW!

The more fun purchase is another MollyMutt dog bed (stuff sack and duvet)! Bruno loves the one we have in the living room and I've been thinking for awhile about buying another for him to use at night in the bedroom. I hope having a bed there will encourage him to sleep outside of the crate during the night. Even with the larger crate on order, and the fact that we never close the crate's door at night, I hate that he spends so much of his time cooped up. Though truth be told, he doesn't seem as bothered by it as I am.Check out the new duvet fabric from MollyMutt. It speaks to the teacher deep inside me. I love it, and YES, I ordered it!

XO

Jodi

Merry Christmas to Me!

There is at least one person in my audience who will not believe that I am typing this entry on a brandy-new laptop computer! My one and only Black Friday purchase is turning out to be a BIG winner. Who would've guessed that advanced technology was so... advanced?

I've relegated the seven-year-old, slow as snail laptop to Bob. He's happy to use it as entertainment during commercial breaks in his television programs. I'm personally thrilled that I can surf the interweb with lightening speed, AND stream videos or music simultaneously.

I know! How remarkable is that? Before we know it they'll be making telephones that will fit in our pockets.

I'm thinking about putting the abacus out with next Friday's garbage.

XO
Jodi

Regarding the New TSA Screening Procedures

I don't really have a problem with the new scatter-back body imaging machines at airports. But then, I don't fly all that frequently and I am somewhat opposed to being blown to bits when I do*. While I'm less than thrilled to have some random TSA employee checking out my overweight, middle-aged naked body, I'm fairly certain the TSA agent is no more pleased with seeing my nakedness than I am every morning. Who wants to look at that?

So, what happens if I opt out of the naked body scanner do-dad? It seems we've learned recently that opting out of the scan could result in a fairly invasive pat-down, but before we all get crazy about this "invasion", we should maybe ask for a little clarification on the pat-down protocol.

What if the potential airline passenger were allowed to select the TSA employee of their choice for the pat-down screening? As an long-ago married woman, if I find myself in line for the naked body scanner and spy a hunky, delightful example of manhood in the TSA agent lineup, I may choose to refuse the scan, just for a momentary thrill.

I think if the choice of potential pat-down agents were made available to all passengers, the need for and cost of those machines could be cut dramatically!

Saving your tax dollars with common sense, and the occasional thrill of a pat-down.

XO

Jodi

* No, I do not believe that either security measure actually makes us safer to fly the friendly skies. Nothing short of the abolition of hatred could accomplish that task.

An Open Letter to Standard Time

Dear Standard Time:

I hate you! I hate the eyeball trauma you cause me on both my morning AND evening commutes as the lazy sun-orb parks its precious self just atop the horizon. And I hate that the sun-orb sees fit to douse my world with mentally-beneficial vitamin D only while I'm forced to be inside a vehicle or office building. And I hate that I have barely 30 minutes of daylight remaining once I arrive home. And my dog hates you, too!

Additionally I hate that you and the calendar always conspire to incite my too-often unconcerned customers into suddenly deciding - based solely on your combined influences, as far as I can tell - that the work they've put off all year long is finally Important And Must Be Completed Immediately.


I hate you Standard Time, because your timing is flat-out shitty. For some folks your arrival announces upcoming holidays and joyous family times, but for me you announce only darkness and hours upon hours of overtime work.

You stress me out, Standard Time! And I hate you.

Yours Truly
Jodi

My Most Convincing Cover Letter Yet!

Dear Potential Boss:

I have finally decided that when I grow up I want to be a Home Maintenance Engineer (HME). I realize the job doesn't pay well - or actually at all - but I am ready to face the challenges this new career could offer.

Photo via wikipedia.org

If you should hire me, Potential Boss, I promise to bring the following qualifications/innovations to the tasks set before me:

I will be finally able to banish the dreaded task of clothes shopping, since the only clothing items I will require as a HME are blue jeans and T-shirts in various lengths and stages of decay. Even new shoes and socks would be optional!

I will decrease your health care costs because I'll have much more time and energy to walk or bike ride with the pup. As an added bonus, the pup will be much more lethargic when you arrive home and therefore won't pester you for attention too much (in theory).

I will be able to keep the house presentable for guests at all times. This increase in productivity will eliminate our current need to scramble around swiping the surfaces of our home with dust cloths and calling it good, all the while hoping our guests won't notice the bazillion cleaning measures we cut from the "to-do" list for lack of time.

I will clip and utilize coupons at a rate far surpassing the meager efforts of The Coupon Goddess. This measure alone will save our household at least the equivalent of my current annual income, making my new HME job a no-brainer, really.

I will cook delicious and nutritious meals which all household members will enjoy enormously. Such meals will surely mean the end to cravings for fast food, pizza and other similarly nutrient-lacking meals (again, saving money... I'm brilliant!). As an added bonus, these meals will be lovingly prepared in large-enough quantities to allow plentiful leftovers you can carry as lunches on your cubical-centric weekday travels.

I will (reluctantly) take over the essential exterior chores made necessary by home ownership. This includes lawn mowing, weed pulling, garden planting, poop scooping, driveway tarring, trim painting, shrub pruning, power washing and snow removal (with the not-yet-purchased snow blower... you're kidding yourself if you think I'm moving that shit in shovel-sized scoops).

I will only be required to drive when shopping. This alone will save loads of money in gasoline purchases. And it's really the best thing we could do for the environment. DUH!

With all the money I've already saved you/us by clipping coupons, not shopping and rarely driving... I will be free to finally paint the basement walls, hang the ceiling tiles and install new flooring! Incidentally, my new HME status would also make me free to paint every interior wall of the main floor, strip and refinish the hardwood floors hiding under the ages-old orange and brown carpeting; and possibly even re-tile the entry way, reinvent the kitchen decor and update the master bathroom.

I am certain that my talents and expertise in these areas already exceed your established requirements for the position of Home Maintenance Engineer. I am eager to discuss this position with you and I can't wait to get started!

Kind Regards,
Jodi - Your only choice for a well-rounded and hardworking Home Maintenance Engineering expert!

Why I Hate Toilet Paper Manufacturers

I have been having a one-sided argument with the toilet paper manufacturing industry for the past few years. First, all but the least-worthy brands stopped selling the traditional "single roll" of paper - the only roll of paper that could be comfortably housed in the recessed toilet paper dispensers that came with my 40+ year old home.

I tried all those fancy (and curiously elusive) toilet roll extender do-dads, but none of them worked. Yes, I was able to load the Double Rolls and even the Mega-Rolls in the recessed receptacles, but the paper would not roll smoothly from it's spool into the waiting hands of the toilet's occupant. Eventually I managed to accept this new state of affairs, but it was not easy for me. And we're still left with the whole "hand-held" toilet paper rolls whenever we visit the master bathroom. (Thankfully we updated the main bathroom last year, so that room is finally capable of accommodating today's giant paper rolls.)

But now - just as I've adjusted to the realities of the Mega-Roll - the manufacturer of my carefully chosen brand of paper has decided that it needs an upgrade, and I am once again having difficulty finding my preferred style/brand in most stores. Seriously, folks? This is toilet paper! How much upgrading can possibly be done?

I live in a home that is dependent on a 40+ year old septic system which is shockingly particular about what it will and will not tolerate. I can't just willy-nilly buy whatever paper has the best price, the cutest packaging, or the most ridiculous advertisements. (As an aside, does anyone else find those cartoon bears with paper-encrusted butts just a bit off-putting?) I need to make serious, educated decisions about my toilet paper buying. And I really need the toilet paper people to stop screwing around with what works.

Dear Toilet Paper Manufacturers: I'm cool with changes in packaging and re-inventing of logos or advertising campaigns (so long as you promise to leave out the cartoon bears), but please stop changing the product because you think it needs "improving". IT'S TOILET PAPER, PEOPLE! I'm a loyal purchaser of your paper. I like it, my husband likes it, and - most importantly - it doesn't choke up my septic system. Leave it alone already, would ya?

Signed,
Tired of Toilet Paper Shopping
Jodi

Hanging on to that which I love...

I'm patio sitting with the pup tonight, testing my (and my laptop's) luck with the minor threat of rain. Why? Because today is September first, and thereby the unofficial start of Autumn.

Fall is one of my two favorite seasons - crisp air and colorful foliage give this time of year clearly high marks. But the onset of fall is always a bittersweet time for me. I look forward to the glories of the season, but dread the aftermath. I think I put my feelings toward this seasonal change pretty succinctly in the Ode to Summer I wrote last September.

I'm just never prepared for the wrap-up of summer... it always comes upon me too suddenly, and I'm never happy to see it coming to a close. The silly thing is that I don't really love summertime all that much. I do love the abundance of sunlight, but I'm not a great fan of the heat or humidity, so I don't regularly spend a ton of time outdoors in the thick of the summer season.

Alas, I am at a crossroads again. Summer is ending and Autumn is coming fast on its heels. My burning bushes have already started turning red, the summer flowers have faded away, and I am busy trying to decide which of the summer-long-neglected yard projects are the most pressing.

April can't get here soon enough!
XO
Jodi