My Most Convincing Cover Letter Yet!

Dear Potential Boss:

I have finally decided that when I grow up I want to be a Home Maintenance Engineer (HME). I realize the job doesn't pay well - or actually at all - but I am ready to face the challenges this new career could offer.

Photo via wikipedia.org

If you should hire me, Potential Boss, I promise to bring the following qualifications/innovations to the tasks set before me:

I will be finally able to banish the dreaded task of clothes shopping, since the only clothing items I will require as a HME are blue jeans and T-shirts in various lengths and stages of decay. Even new shoes and socks would be optional!

I will decrease your health care costs because I'll have much more time and energy to walk or bike ride with the pup. As an added bonus, the pup will be much more lethargic when you arrive home and therefore won't pester you for attention too much (in theory).

I will be able to keep the house presentable for guests at all times. This increase in productivity will eliminate our current need to scramble around swiping the surfaces of our home with dust cloths and calling it good, all the while hoping our guests won't notice the bazillion cleaning measures we cut from the "to-do" list for lack of time.

I will clip and utilize coupons at a rate far surpassing the meager efforts of The Coupon Goddess. This measure alone will save our household at least the equivalent of my current annual income, making my new HME job a no-brainer, really.

I will cook delicious and nutritious meals which all household members will enjoy enormously. Such meals will surely mean the end to cravings for fast food, pizza and other similarly nutrient-lacking meals (again, saving money... I'm brilliant!). As an added bonus, these meals will be lovingly prepared in large-enough quantities to allow plentiful leftovers you can carry as lunches on your cubical-centric weekday travels.

I will (reluctantly) take over the essential exterior chores made necessary by home ownership. This includes lawn mowing, weed pulling, garden planting, poop scooping, driveway tarring, trim painting, shrub pruning, power washing and snow removal (with the not-yet-purchased snow blower... you're kidding yourself if you think I'm moving that shit in shovel-sized scoops).

I will only be required to drive when shopping. This alone will save loads of money in gasoline purchases. And it's really the best thing we could do for the environment. DUH!

With all the money I've already saved you/us by clipping coupons, not shopping and rarely driving... I will be free to finally paint the basement walls, hang the ceiling tiles and install new flooring! Incidentally, my new HME status would also make me free to paint every interior wall of the main floor, strip and refinish the hardwood floors hiding under the ages-old orange and brown carpeting; and possibly even re-tile the entry way, reinvent the kitchen decor and update the master bathroom.

I am certain that my talents and expertise in these areas already exceed your established requirements for the position of Home Maintenance Engineer. I am eager to discuss this position with you and I can't wait to get started!

Kind Regards,
Jodi - Your only choice for a well-rounded and hardworking Home Maintenance Engineering expert!