My Most Convincing Cover Letter Yet!

Dear Potential Boss:

I have finally decided that when I grow up I want to be a Home Maintenance Engineer (HME). I realize the job doesn't pay well - or actually at all - but I am ready to face the challenges this new career could offer.

Photo via wikipedia.org

If you should hire me, Potential Boss, I promise to bring the following qualifications/innovations to the tasks set before me:

I will be finally able to banish the dreaded task of clothes shopping, since the only clothing items I will require as a HME are blue jeans and T-shirts in various lengths and stages of decay. Even new shoes and socks would be optional!

I will decrease your health care costs because I'll have much more time and energy to walk or bike ride with the pup. As an added bonus, the pup will be much more lethargic when you arrive home and therefore won't pester you for attention too much (in theory).

I will be able to keep the house presentable for guests at all times. This increase in productivity will eliminate our current need to scramble around swiping the surfaces of our home with dust cloths and calling it good, all the while hoping our guests won't notice the bazillion cleaning measures we cut from the "to-do" list for lack of time.

I will clip and utilize coupons at a rate far surpassing the meager efforts of The Coupon Goddess. This measure alone will save our household at least the equivalent of my current annual income, making my new HME job a no-brainer, really.

I will cook delicious and nutritious meals which all household members will enjoy enormously. Such meals will surely mean the end to cravings for fast food, pizza and other similarly nutrient-lacking meals (again, saving money... I'm brilliant!). As an added bonus, these meals will be lovingly prepared in large-enough quantities to allow plentiful leftovers you can carry as lunches on your cubical-centric weekday travels.

I will (reluctantly) take over the essential exterior chores made necessary by home ownership. This includes lawn mowing, weed pulling, garden planting, poop scooping, driveway tarring, trim painting, shrub pruning, power washing and snow removal (with the not-yet-purchased snow blower... you're kidding yourself if you think I'm moving that shit in shovel-sized scoops).

I will only be required to drive when shopping. This alone will save loads of money in gasoline purchases. And it's really the best thing we could do for the environment. DUH!

With all the money I've already saved you/us by clipping coupons, not shopping and rarely driving... I will be free to finally paint the basement walls, hang the ceiling tiles and install new flooring! Incidentally, my new HME status would also make me free to paint every interior wall of the main floor, strip and refinish the hardwood floors hiding under the ages-old orange and brown carpeting; and possibly even re-tile the entry way, reinvent the kitchen decor and update the master bathroom.

I am certain that my talents and expertise in these areas already exceed your established requirements for the position of Home Maintenance Engineer. I am eager to discuss this position with you and I can't wait to get started!

Kind Regards,
Jodi - Your only choice for a well-rounded and hardworking Home Maintenance Engineering expert!

Why I Hate Toilet Paper Manufacturers

I have been having a one-sided argument with the toilet paper manufacturing industry for the past few years. First, all but the least-worthy brands stopped selling the traditional "single roll" of paper - the only roll of paper that could be comfortably housed in the recessed toilet paper dispensers that came with my 40+ year old home.

I tried all those fancy (and curiously elusive) toilet roll extender do-dads, but none of them worked. Yes, I was able to load the Double Rolls and even the Mega-Rolls in the recessed receptacles, but the paper would not roll smoothly from it's spool into the waiting hands of the toilet's occupant. Eventually I managed to accept this new state of affairs, but it was not easy for me. And we're still left with the whole "hand-held" toilet paper rolls whenever we visit the master bathroom. (Thankfully we updated the main bathroom last year, so that room is finally capable of accommodating today's giant paper rolls.)

But now - just as I've adjusted to the realities of the Mega-Roll - the manufacturer of my carefully chosen brand of paper has decided that it needs an upgrade, and I am once again having difficulty finding my preferred style/brand in most stores. Seriously, folks? This is toilet paper! How much upgrading can possibly be done?

I live in a home that is dependent on a 40+ year old septic system which is shockingly particular about what it will and will not tolerate. I can't just willy-nilly buy whatever paper has the best price, the cutest packaging, or the most ridiculous advertisements. (As an aside, does anyone else find those cartoon bears with paper-encrusted butts just a bit off-putting?) I need to make serious, educated decisions about my toilet paper buying. And I really need the toilet paper people to stop screwing around with what works.

Dear Toilet Paper Manufacturers: I'm cool with changes in packaging and re-inventing of logos or advertising campaigns (so long as you promise to leave out the cartoon bears), but please stop changing the product because you think it needs "improving". IT'S TOILET PAPER, PEOPLE! I'm a loyal purchaser of your paper. I like it, my husband likes it, and - most importantly - it doesn't choke up my septic system. Leave it alone already, would ya?

Signed,
Tired of Toilet Paper Shopping
Jodi

Hanging on to that which I love...

I'm patio sitting with the pup tonight, testing my (and my laptop's) luck with the minor threat of rain. Why? Because today is September first, and thereby the unofficial start of Autumn.

Fall is one of my two favorite seasons - crisp air and colorful foliage give this time of year clearly high marks. But the onset of fall is always a bittersweet time for me. I look forward to the glories of the season, but dread the aftermath. I think I put my feelings toward this seasonal change pretty succinctly in the Ode to Summer I wrote last September.

I'm just never prepared for the wrap-up of summer... it always comes upon me too suddenly, and I'm never happy to see it coming to a close. The silly thing is that I don't really love summertime all that much. I do love the abundance of sunlight, but I'm not a great fan of the heat or humidity, so I don't regularly spend a ton of time outdoors in the thick of the summer season.

Alas, I am at a crossroads again. Summer is ending and Autumn is coming fast on its heels. My burning bushes have already started turning red, the summer flowers have faded away, and I am busy trying to decide which of the summer-long-neglected yard projects are the most pressing.

April can't get here soon enough!
XO
Jodi